Simon's Got 99 Problems But Aging Ain't One

Strap yourself in, because we are going to list them ALL...


1. He's a Vampire.

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2. He can’t practice his religion because he’s damned.

3. He never has time to rehearse with his band.

4. Maureen's probably still mad at him.

5. He might need to get a new keyboard player if she doesn’t calm down.

6. It will be difficult to hold band auditions as a Vampire.

7. He hasn't changed his band name in ages.

8. He probably doesn't even remember what his band is currently called.

9. Raphael is mad at him.

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10. And is threatening to burn off his junk...

11. But he seems to really want to be Simon's band manager.

12. His mom now thinks his band is actually successful.

13. And has formally invited Raphael into their home.

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14. He has probably missed all of his financial analysis classes.

15. How will he ever get a college degree?

16. Without a degree, how will he get a job?

17. If he doesn’t get a job then he will get no ladies.

18. His mother has no idea he is a Vampire.

19. It’s hard to hide being a Vampire from your mom.

20. As well as your sister.

21. He's so fast that he has to slow down for his friends.

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22. He can’t eat anymore.

23. That means never having chicken cacciatore ever again.

24. In fact, he can now only drink blood.

25. He doesn’t need glasses anymore, but they were part of his style.

26. He loves movies, but now he can only go to the evening shows.

27. He is completely in love with Clary.

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28. But she doesn't even know it.

29. Clary keeps calling him her best friend.

30. She kisses him on the cheek instead of on the lips.

31. Clary still has feelings for her brother.

32. He has to help save Jace to seem like a nice guy.

33. Even though Jace is kind of his competition.

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34. He craves human blood.

35. He doesn’t want to kill any humans.

36. Blood stains are a nightmare to get out of fabric.

37. He can never try Izzy's delightful cooking ever again.

38. No one appreciates his jokes.

39. One of his best friends is a Werewolf.

40. He lives right next to a Werewolf pack who aren't big fans of Vampires.

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41. He has to sleep in a canoe sometimes.

42. Canoes were not designed for comfort.

43. Meanwhile, the NYC Vamp clan get caskets made of 14 carat gold.

44. The NYC Vampires hate him because he released Camille.

45. And they won’t let him stay at the Hotel DuMort.

46. He was sired by Camille, who isn't known for her consideration or compassion.

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47. She tried to kill him before he turned.

48. Now she has completely abandoned him.

49. He has no Vampires on his side.

50. He's scared of elevators.

51. He's scared of clowns.

52. He's scared of snakes.

53. He's especially scared of fire-breathing snakes.

54. When he broke into Camille’s house he got attacked by a fire-breathing snake.

55. He BARELY has a grasp of his vamp powers yet.

56. He can only encanto animals so far.

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57. Being able to encanto humans would be way more useful.

58. He has to wear a lot more black now to blend into the shadows.

59. Aldertree won’t let him stay in the Institute.

60. Aldertree strong-armed him into finding Camille.

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61. Raphael has also been threatening him about that.

62. Camille is really hard to find.

63. His mom might have a drinking problem again.

64. He has to lie to his mom a lot.

65. She can tell that he’s lying, most of the time.

66. He really sucks at portaling.

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67. He never gets to see any of his old friends.

68. He gets burned in the daylight.

69. He will never be able to go on a summer vacation.

70. He will never be able to get a tan.

71. He will never become a professional water skier.

72. Or beach volleyball champion.

73. Or surfer.

74. Or… well, you get the idea.

75. All of his vampire mentors have let him down, so he has to rely on Luke and Magnus.

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76. He still doesn’t have one of those cool Vampire motorcycles.

77. If he did his mom probably wouldn’t let him ride it.

78. He has to worry about wooden stakes.

79. If he goes to a restaurant he has to have rare steak. Really rare.

80. He owes Raphael a bunch of new jackets.

81. He doesn’t have any way of making money.

82. He never got Camille’s recipe for Blood Marys.

83. He has made out with Camille and Maureen, but not the one girl he really likes.

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84. Alec is always mean to him.

85. Jace is always mean to him.

86. Jocelyn told him to go away that one time when she was talking to Clary. Rude.

87. He keeps getting kidnapped and hung upside down.

88. He never got to try the inexpensive cocktails at the Jade Wolf.

89. Alec, Magnus, and Izzy are definitely furious that he spoiled the ending of 'The Graduate' for them.

90. Lots of Shadowhunters hate Downworlders.

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91. He never really got invited to Alec and Lydia’s wedding.

92. No one invited him to Izzy’s trial.

93. No one invited him to Jace’s trial.

94. He never gets invited anywhere.

95. He looks really pale and ill all the time now.

96. But he can never visit the doctor because they will freak out.

97. He doesn’t have his own blood fridge like Raphael.

98. He doesn’t even know the combination code for Raphael’s fridge.

99. His fangs sometimes pop out and scare people.

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Peace out.

What do you think Simon's biggest problem is?

Tell us in the comments!

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