Every Booty Could Use A Butt Facial

Read Jane's trending article from The Bold Type

Always wanted to read the articles Jane writes for Scarlet, the fictional magazine inspired by Cosmopolitan featured on The Bold Type? We have too. Luckily, sexologist Shannon Boodram has channeled the voice of Jane and did just that. Read the trending piece Jane wrote in season 1 episode 8, 'The End Of The Beginning', then watch the episode again right here on Freeform.

Whether you have heard it for the first time today or know a little thanks to Sunday brunch chats - the two words butt and facial sandwiched together is laughable, vain beyond belief and… kind of kick ass.

I, like most of you, don’t have the kind of butt that prints money for me but I do my fair share of squats and lunges because I care a little (okay maybe a little more than a little) about what happens when I walk away. Plus as a writer who spends 80% of her day abusing her butt I figured my peach was well overdue for some pampering. And, let’s not act like I’m alone...

In 2004, the most common web search related to bums was how to make them smaller. However in 2010 bigger started trending and today, more searches pop up asking how to make butts bigger than smaller. So after seven years of continuous growth, it’s safe to say that booties are beyond trendy - they are a staple.

I walked into the spa with the best rating for butt facials on Yelp and signed in. Admittedly when asked what I was there for I wished desperately there was some other name for this treatment - posterior reestablishment regimen?

When I got into the room I lay face down...posterior up...on the table and received a delightful lower massage from a young and friendly technician. The rest of the hour-long session included suctioning, pulsing, zapping, tweezing, compressing and thankfully more massaging. When it was over I stood up and looked in the full-length mirror, I nodded approvingly like I was the hot dog vendor I just walked by on the beach. My butt was smoother, higher, firmer and dare I say juicier. The technician explained the results would last as long as any good facial and that most of her clients returned monthly for maintenance. I nodded politely without breaking the news that I wouldn’t be joining her faithful flock - I have a hard enough time keeping up with appointments to refresh my front so unless I planned on Moonwalking everywhere, I couldn’t justify spending the $500 more than once a year.

Begrudgingly I put my pants back on, left the spa and wished I had someone to show my lovely lady lumps to. I thought of walking around in Brooklyn just for the boost but decided instead to head home and share my mounded glory with my bf ...by that I mean best friend, of course. I’m still waiting for these spas to come out with a treatment that clones your girlfriends into the guy of your dreams. I’ll keep you updated if I hear of anything.

Written for Freeform by Shannon Boodram

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