Always wanted to read the articles Jane writes for Scarlet, the fictional magazine inspired by Cosmopolitan featured on The Bold Type? We have too. Luckily, sexologist Shannon Boodram has channeled the voice of Jane and done just that. Read the deeply personal and brave piece Jane wrote in season 1 episode 2 “O Hell No," then watch the episode again right here on Freeform.
What It’s Like When The Big O Is The Big No.
With my best friend’s fingers twisting frantically inside of my vagina as she (very bravely) helped me dislodge a rogue yoni egg, I realized how much pain women go through on our unique pursuits of pleasure.
So why the egg? And why oh why did my friend have to play back-alley-obstetrician? I was trying something new in yet another failed attempt to experience something that would be embarrassingly brand new for me.
I have never orgasmed.
No disclaimers, no trauma and no medical condition to report just simply, no orgasms. Yes I’ve tried clitoral stimulation with a partner, yes I’ve tried masturbating and yes I’ve been to a doctor and still, no, l have yet to reach the mountain peak.
As most people now know, there is an alarming amount of women like me who fake orgasms in order to hide their shame. Studies spanning across the last decade have found that anywhere from 65-85% of women have faked an orgasm.
What kind of woman doesn’t orgasm?
We rarely get to hear about who these women are and most importantly, how they feel. I’d like to discuss the latter: how do women really feel when we don’t feel enough? The obvious answer; that orgasmless women feel incompetent and leftout. There is also the obvious guilt that our lameness deeply disappoints our partners. And while all of this is true for me, what I’ve never heard anyone talk about is how it makes women, particularly those who identify with female empowerment, feel about their own place in the movement. For me not orgasming has made me feel like I am somehow a part of our societal-poisoning that promotes female sexual suppression. And that the reason I am unable to climax is because deep inside of me lives an intimidating (and more than likely impotent) tiny person who maintains my inner glass ceiling and tells my body I am not worthy.
Can I love myself if I can’t pleasure myself?
So there you have it, my biggest fear is underneath it all, I may be one big fraud.
But... frauds don’t have real friends (at least not the kind who assist you in birthing a foreign object) and frauds do not work at Scarlet. And yet, here I am. So maybe I am not a fraud after all, maybe I am just like many of you, ashamed but aware that I am different, but definitely not broken. (Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how good it feels to finally get that on paper?).
Okay, so I can’t orgasm, now where do I go?
This may come as a surprise but now that I have come out as orgasmless, I have decided to stop caring about it. First of all goal-oriented sex, even if it is just with myself, is not my idea of ideal sex. Secondly, putting an expectation on my body to perform and respond “accordingly” sounds more like suppression and a lot less like satisfaction. Finally, just under 5% of women suffer from anorgasmia, a condition where despite their best efforts there is no grand finale. Out of respect to those women and love for myself I’m going to embark on a different journey. My journey is about self-exploration and has no set destination. My journey’s only goal is to simply see how much sensation I can experience by trying new things on my terms. If orgasm is the result - great! If it isn’t - that’s okay too. I have nothing to lose and and everything to gain. Case and point writing this article has already given me something that I have craved just as bad, for just as long - an honest dialogue with real community.
Okay! Now that we’ve got the hard part out of the way I hope it isn’t too forward of me to ask for a favor... see, I have to complete an assignment from my sexologist and I need to know - does anyone have recommendations for good porn?
Written for Freeform by Shannon Boodram
Did this article have you saying "same"? Tell us in the comments.
And watch Jane work up the courage to publish her amazing article in season 1 episode 2 of The Bold Type.